Land Locked Sea Aggie

Post Halloween 2011

2011-11-01T12:41:00.000-07:00

yes I survived the elementary school Halloween hoopla. A party for my grandson and an abundance of trunk or treat events one which we were in. No trick or treaters at the house wish some on would have sent me memo before I stocked up on candy.

Life has changed greatly since my last blog. I moved, started a business after changing jobs and facing the reality I am no longer corporate minded not matter how hard I change. No longer a peg in the post of business as usual. Just a little too much a thinking person now to sit by and watch the insanity of some large companies.

My husband's last grandparent passed and with her any ties he held dear to his family. I am glad I had a chance to know both of his grandmothers that he loved and cared so much about. I am not as happy to be witness to the abuses and greed they endured the last few years of their lives. My own grandmother died in 1987 and the end was not pretty either nor the aftermath. I feel like I am reliving all the awful things I have experienced with my grandfather, father and my stepfather's passing.
Blood money brings out the worst traits in people some they didn't even know they had. It has caused me to plan all of my affairs prior to my passing and not leave a confusing mine field for those I leave behind.

Focusing on getting my little business setup has taken a lot of my time. It is coming along slowly. Also trying to empty our house so we can sell it for the last six months has been another daunting task that is moving forward.

Have a great day and remember to love the ones you are with and have tolerance for those who you don't want to be with or cannot be with.

Sunshine is where you make it.

Life changes...

2010-10-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

Grim and sickly Terri. Last Wed I agreed to a company flu shot and now have a virulent case of the flu. this is the second time I have had a flu shot and both times I have become sickly.

Then after injecting me with a beastly bug the company I have sold my soul to informed my that they are restructuring (I knew that) and I (yes me) no longer had a position in the company that it had been eliminated due to lack of work. BUT they would like me to continue my dysfunctional love affair of money with them and will even pay me more if I agree to be a contractor. I said flat out NO at first and then after two days of terror I caved.

No not only am I soon to be unemployed I feel guilty about it....for giving in to a system that has sucked the very creative life blood out of me. Someone in the company in an attempt to console and comfort me said his wife was a consultant to the company and she was paid whether she worked or not and when she worked over the hours on the contract she was paid additional money at her contracted rate.

Oops did you miss the 19th amendment-->
1.) At work I am a professional an individual my marital status should be a nonissue only a consideration for the number of exemptions on my I-9!!!! Which by the way not that it matters now are wrong
2.) I do not want to be paid when I haven't done the work!!!!
Well intentioned information but all the same very offensive to a industrious hardworking plebian like myself. Rosie the riveter is my hero not Barbie. I like playing with Barbie but I never envisioned being Barbie. Give me power tools anyday over lipstick and fake eyelashes.

At what point in this United States of America will women be viewed as humans and not incubators with feeding vessels? I am a lean(maybe a little plumper lately) mean thinking machine and I can get in the muck and mire with the best of ole' boys club and throw dirt.

Lets address the subjugation of my human and yes very female spirit thank GOD for women lest none of us would be here today. Thats a fact Jack no getting around it!

a quote from something I have seen recently "I may be sensitive but I am NOT weak" Women can handle serious pain better and longer than most men. I know we have been specially designed for the task; ask anyone who has had natural childbirth.

In my working life I have been downsized out of three great jobs...my department,team or in this case position has been declared obsolete or extraneous. I am becoming very adept at recovery and change management.

Even today I feel fortunate when I am sickly and annoyed at the forced adjustments. I have been here before and know I have the skills to cross the rocky terrain, the ability to simplify my life and the will to keep trying.

My future is full of opportunity and hope because I expect nothing less from life or myself.

I painted 4 bird haouse, touched up 2 additional bird houses and started on a shrimpy hex zign yesterday yes injustice and unhappiness are my creative cattlysts Life in dispair is a life full of new art in Teritown Downs. ok maybe a little too much flu medicine I still feel like ...............................................

Happy Pants

2010-10-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

I am certain I am not the first to consider the derelict of convention Miss MM was in 1928 with her wedded bliss open marriage bisexual soon to court interethnic mixing. I have reread Coming of age in Samoa and just finished the Trashing of Margaret Mead by Shankman and I have to say even for my hot blooded veins I had to take breaks in the latter book to cool off. Her societal and global hot trotting may have been the cause for some of the knives in her back. She had more hutspa than most men I have met. The pissing contest that Freeman initiated with her was more about who's more man it would appear. He had more experience in the field but she had more experience.

Positive Proof of the Terri Experience

2010-09-30T16:10:00.000-07:00

Last day of September and making a website is a lot harder than paying money getting software putting in some time writing and pictures argh!!!!!!!!! there are a lot more things which I am sure I have yet to discover or be told yet----domain one thing and then you have to host as well...I am only that far on the money vortex called the Internet for posting my research...WTF? not to mention the time vacuum this will become and has been --- who has any left for the actual research. note to self next project finish research then do website...aside from the whining and complaining and occasional fainting from loss of money, lack of sleep and the new diet of frustration I am having an exciting time testing and failing and reliving those graham cracker days of my youth when experimenting was OK and expected. So here I am a 47 year old playing with my big girl tech toys and my dress up clothes have been upgraded to a brain pumped full of information so it looks all dressy. Maybe that's just the hair gel. Im'a lovvin it ever f'in minute of it. So get your 3D glasses ready cause it gonna be released as soon as I finish with production YES what you have been waiting my whole life for. Justification for all the money and years spent on my education. The Terri Experience.

Launching of LifeArtStory

2010-09-14T23:00:00.000-07:00

Havent written on this blog in to long so here is a long overdue update in my obtaining a higher education. I am taking my last class. Then I will be taking my GRE and applying to Rice University in Houston. Hopefully I will be accepted. My research on the shrimp boat family has stalled due to some family needs they have to address right now. I am in the process of creating my first very own website for LifeArtStory and here I will put my artwork pictures and photos, written works and papers, audio and video recordings of oral histories with archival information. I am hoping that I will be accepted to the anthropology program at Rice as a PhD canidate. My husband is very happy with this course of action. I would be very happy if it happens so I can continue my research locally. This is what keeps me so busy and a little work from MPR here and there Thanks Art.

contrapposto or spagetti S curve

2010-07-24T18:41:00.001-07:00

Art school...Art history...
the term contrapasto which I tried to explain to my husband and later we looked up I entangled with the s curve...whats the point of being a historian of any venue when the brain just can't maintain and retain?

wikipedia states..."Contrapposto is an Italian term used in the visual arts to describe a human figure standing with most of its weight on one foot so that its shoulders and arms twist off-axis from the hips and legs. This gives the figure a more dynamic, or alternatively relaxed appearance. It can also encompass the tension as a figure changes from resting on a given leg to walking or running upon it (so-called ponderation). Contrapposto is less emphasized than the more sinuous S Curve....The S Curve is a traditional art concept in Ancient Greek sculpture and Roman sculpture where the figure's body and posture is depicted like a sinuous or serpentine "S". It is related to and is an extension of the art term of contrapposto which is when a figure is depicted slouching or placing one's weight and thus center of gravity to one side. However, the S Curve involves more of the body than the contrapposto, and is therefore considered to be a more advanced technical development."

RockToppum - Freestyling 2

2010-07-22T07:38:00.001-07:00

Wanna meet Jinx

2010-07-22T06:50:00.001-07:00

This is Jinx my son's friend for life from high school.

"Grappling with the Concept of Radical Trust" Tim Grove

2010-07-20T10:08:00.000-07:00

http://aaslhcommunity.org/historynews/radical-trust/comment-page-1/#comment-4

For me if I understand the concept correctly; Radical Trust is another way of stating "needs of the business" or "what the market demands."

Information is now available to everyone who can read and type with access to the internet. My five year old grandson can surf the net and find what he is looking for faster than I can. I have been on the internet nearly 30 years.

I think it is time to let go of past habits that restrict and limit our constructs and embrace the limitless albeit overwhelming task of the utilizing the ideas we are being given freely by a public begging for acknowledgement as they are the end users of the information, history, archives, artifacts and texts we manage.

I feel this is the challenge we face today if we expect to be a part of tomorrow. Technology demands we "trust" our markets or we as the middle man my find we have become obsolete.

Consider for a moment the possibility of a future without physical museums and Libraries:
Is it more cost effective to create virtual places/stations similar to the games people play in arcades and at home? Place them in schools or even train stations and let a person sit inside and live stories, history and science? Who needs a space we have all the space we need if it is on the internet they just need a headset.

Now look at a real life example: Have you ever played the sit down version of Jurassic Park at an arcade?

I am almost 50 years old and if I can imagine history or science being shared in this way when I experienced this game, I believe it is only a matter of time before they develop the software and make available affordable equipment for education and training to everyone.

I don’t think the question is as giving radical trust to the public on your website as much as how are you going to keep the public engaged with your website.

How to Buy a NAS Device Roundup | PCMag.com

2010-07-19T18:35:00.000-07:00

How to Buy a NAS Device Roundup | PCMag.com

Technology

2010-07-19T15:27:00.000-07:00

At one time in my youth my nick name was "techno terri" coined for me by my friends and family because I had a computer, beeper and a car phone. The type that was actually hardwired to the car and I am not talking about OnStar.

Today I attempted to make a cd of five interviews I have digitally stored OK lets restate that I attempted to burn an audio cd very old school and technology from an era that has come and gone that I have almost entirely missed. If not for the request of a colleague I would not have spent a good part of my day converting files, transferring data, connecting cassette players and inserting sdcards to come to the ultimate conclusion my super wompper cd reader writer in my desktop is DEAD it lights up and spins and does a good job of faking life but it is for all the use I get other than visual entertainment useless therefore dead to me and taking up valuable space in my PC that would be better utilised for some other functioning soon to be obsolete part of my computer that I do not know how to operate.

I don't play games online maybe a little poker and backgammon but not the memory vampires that are so popular right now. But my five year old grandson does and wins at it.

As I sit here in my state of despair and self pity feeling a bit lost and defiantly "dated" not sure if I mind that "I remember when..." I think about how steadfastly my grandmother stuck with her black metal square rotary dial hardwired phone. That phone frustrated me so much it was so slow to dial a number. A kid with adhd is on the brink I could never handle dialing anyone. There was only the one phone in the house and it was wired into the wall all of my childhood, eventually the phone company converted to modular connections. When I grew up, I gave my grandmother phones. I worked for the phone company why did she keep that "old" phone It made me crazy to use it.

Today, I think I finally understand the importance of that phone for her.

Then I wonder how long the cd thing hasn't worked in my desktop? I miss my grandma.

rocks

2010-07-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

I want to tell you about rocks.

Cleaning house today thinking about my life and how would like to make the world a better place I decided I would use rocks.

I would have a pile of rocks in varying shapes and sizes on a table or the floor with a hammer. This is my life. The rocks are the events, milestones, births, deaths whatever that have happened and there are many. I have slowly and deliberately been building something with those rocks when they don't fit I take that hammer and shape them.

I think the hammer is my personality it can be a good tool or ? but I feel am building something. I have friends and family members who look at their piles of rocks and they never make anything they just ask for help or ideas or guidance or divine intervention. Some say they have been forsaken and just wait.

Me, I break those rocks and I make something. After I make something I knock it down and I make it again and again. For me the goal is not what you have or end up with it is doing something, the process. I am a work in progress that will never be finished until I die. My memory and creations will continue to live on even when my body does not. My energy flows through everyone I touch directly and indirectly through my art, ideas and work. I know this to be true in every cell of my body and I know this to be true of each and every person that has lived, lives now and will ever live.

The vocation I feel is to empower people to recognize the burden of the responsibility of managing the metaphoric pile of rocks positively or negatively.

Chillin with my brothers

2010-07-15T18:53:00.000-07:00

my son in the aviator glasses

2010-07-15T18:40:00.001-07:00

2010-07-15T18:38:00.000-07:00

Goosebumps

2010-04-07T20:09:00.000-07:00

Goosebumps no I am not thinking about the children's books written by R.L.Stine which I bought for my sons and have forever twisted them towards the scary and creepy and dark side of unnatural They are in their 20's now and it really shows...too late to change...I grew up with Edgar Allen Poe...and kids now have Harry Potter. But back to my goosebumps the real actual raised type that you get on your arm or legs. I have been brained wacked the last three weeks with school and other stuff that has kept me busy so I have a constant not full out migraine just the little nagging I cant stand the light and I cant sleep because I am always behind mania kind. I am writing on different topics of an academic natural.....deleted complaining.....Back to goosebumps I really like doing research and Monday I spent the day at the Texas Seaport Museum in Galveston. Having the good fortune to be honored and trusted to review and photo copy the records they have on the shrimping boat the Santa Maria my oral history senior project. I love old paper, magazines, books, lace, toys, dishes anything. There was some really cool old Galveston newspaper clippings and a real treasure of an American National Insurance Booklet from the 70's. Back when companies had money and spent it on this type of customer appreciation publication. It was in near perfect condition just a little yellowed and some cracking in the gloss on the paper at the fold oh but what a delight. All two color printing but lots of photos and good personal interest stories one specifically about Joseph Grillo King Neptune himself the owner of the Santa Maria before being donated to the TSM. I HAD GOOSEBUMPS reading the editorial box inside the front cover was a who's who of Galveston's "royal" family's who worked at ANB at the time. I was holding a piece of Galveston's heritage in my hands me a Yankee from Chicago a Texan by choice I surely was not worthy. But every single hair on my body and head even as I write now and remember the moment is electric with thrill of knowing that document still exists and I held it and read it. My heart beats faster and it is a good day no a great day.

Tuesday night before taking flight

2010-03-16T20:44:00.000-07:00

yes packing is a joy I can live without. why cant I have a perfect ego and body and live in a world where we need no clothes. Just really great shoes. Yes spray on clothes lets go back to the 80's and my airbrush artist days of painting club models in Chicago. Now that was easy dressing. just pick the colors and it will wash off in the morning. Oh well I digress I live in the new really cold and rather plump world of Texas now and though the occasional pervert offers an invitation to a body painting party its just not the same. So this week I have taken to painting dog houses and pennsylvania dutch barn signs also called hex signs. I like it so much I ordered 10-30" aluminum blanks with predrilled holes to paint. The folk history of the German colonialists and the reasons behind painting thier barns is facinating to me. the systematic geometric patterns, the predetermined symbols, color theory and process is so logical and precise and comes together that it is just orgasmic. I love it. Heritage and superstition transfered into an artistic decoration.

Its Sunday

2010-03-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

Well I am back from IL and finally almost completely over being sick from a cold I caught while in Il and now I have two trips in the next three weeks going back to IL. My husbands paternal grandmother hasn't been her usual self and last Dec was moved to an assisted living facility. She was 93. She moved on two nights ago leaving this life. I am filled with the mixed emotions I always feel when someone goes. I cry tears that I am not sure why, if they are for they loss of the life or the loss of friendship and kinship I feel. I always examine my selfishness in my grief and try to focus on the benefit that may have occurred in the persons passing. Were they ill were they old were they happy what was their quality of life, health? Was it quick and painless or long and suffering? With this death I spend less time focused on my loss and more time on how to ease my husband's sadness and pain. I am glad that he called her weekly and saw her often and just spoke to her before her stroke. He does not feel the added pain of guilt or shame that so many have of not fixing broken bridges before the are no longer needed. We are planting plants to continue living in place of the life that we will dearly miss. Beautiful big red hardy strong full hibiscus flowering bushes and some night blooming jasmine.

habla espanol adios

2010-02-10T18:59:00.000-08:00

well yes it has happened again I have been strongly urged to exit depart leave nicely from Spanish class. I had the very nice experience of getting a personal call this morning from a our dean vice dean assistant dean a friend and was guided gently to depart my spanish class. which I willingly did because I didnt really want to be there anyway. I would like to be bilingual but the pressure to memorize and understand things that I simply do not know or grasp and even hope to have any enlightenment for is somewhat oppressive and just distracts me from other truly beneficial productive efforts I could be doing. YEAH Right. well another set of $200-300 books taking space on my bookshelf. I have the most comprehensive collection of audio and written learn spanish oh wait lets not forget the computer software and website memberships that I never thought I would ever own need or want. Will I part with them not likely they are a homage to me not getting my degree a failure in a system that I am a part of and am not able to conform. I will be stuck on campus at that dorm with all those underage over hormonal freshmen boys trapped in that room wishing I could just die or something. Failure is not an option. My poor husband has a wife who cannot seem to learn a foriegn language and may never get a degree who's father makes his life miserable and I can not make it better. My finishing school and getting back to work this year was part of a plan that has been held up by health issues, hurricanes and family crisis and my lack of language literacy. Sometimes the frustration makes me really wish I was dead.

2010-02-08T23:25:00.000-08:00

its 125am on Tuesday morning of the first night I have tryed sleeping in my dorm room
My room is 1161 or 1116 in the Hullabuloo Building very cosy and close to everything I need to get to. I have a great view of the swimming pool and central "court area with the volleyball court including the fine gazebo. I have a balcony with sliding glass patio doors and a shared bathroom with a vacant model showroom so I am mindful to keep it looking aggie clean and spiffy. I have been blessed by the papa Neil gods with a solo room for now and it is roomy and has all the furniture and acruments a brain working hard will need for undistracted study. With a few personal additions I almost feel at home. ah but then the running up and down and chasing or tag game started and the metal doors snapping closed starts up...soon I am hearing after dinner about 8pm the new baby game is announced "man sex in the halls don't come out ye weak of heart" of course after about 15 minutes of the most loud and bumpy and guttural groans and wails I had to look. I didn't see any actual m-o-m action but some other very peculiar guilty looking suspicious looking boys hovering outside one door room snapping and streaming images of something going on inside the door...NO I DID NOT go see what they were so engaged in watching. I called G and asked him to talk to them and he would not. I decided to go shopping and prayed it would be done and gone when I got back and if anything really rotten had happen to anyone that God and the person would forgive my cowardice and weakness. When I returned the dorm manager was chatting outside the entry and I mentioned my concerns and he said that sort of practical joke occurs with 18 year old boys and he really felt sure no one was hurt they were just messing with me. But he would talk to them and check what was going on. I really didn't want him to do that considering I have to live just a few doors down from these guys who think man on man rape is a riotous joke. Guess I am a little too old and jaded to see the humor in that. But Big Papa N's interest and response to my naive understanding of the 18 year old male just got away from home freshman student living in the dorm experience helped calm my fears. I was ready to buy some pepper spray and defend the defenseless. I am just going to cross the hall and knock on Big Papa N's door instead.
Terri are you feeling the full university experience yet??? Yes Terri I am feeling it really good right now.

Good Morning Mr Appraiser

2010-01-27T07:31:00.000-08:00

Ding Dong, Ding Dong

Is that the door bell? yes it is I have a refinance appraiser appointment at 9am today...Is it that late?...just get up let him in...am I decent?...decent enough get out of bed go down the stairs without falling and hurting yourself ....oh bathroom first I hope he doesn't leave....ahhhh relief...robe or no robe--no robe your covered go open the door before he leaves hurry, I am glad my hair is short cant tell if is messy or not...whew he's still there

...(opens door) "Hi! Sorry I took so long. Oh I am early. Really what time is it? I am about 45 minutes early. Thats ok please look around and I will brush my teeth and get dressed."...Its 8am I guess he has a lot of appraisals today. I am glad he's not late and he didnt leave...whew.

Good Morning Mrs. Kusiortis Smith Happy Hump Day. He is gone now I just gave my dogs treats for being so good while he was here and I can sit down start my homework and have some COFFEE. its 940am. This day is starting great. Stay focused on my homework do it finish it and it will be even better.

I am supposed to get my new 1st floor dorm room today. My knees and blood pressure would have killed me going up and down the stairs to my old dorm room on the second floor. They do not have handicapped accessible dorms at Texas A&M in Galveston to translate no elevators. I am pretty sure all of the classroom and student activity buildings have elevators or at least access to an elevator.

I am overweight by about approx 80lbs and I have multiple physical injuries from sports and car accidents. I am supposed to have some orthopedic surgery but I keep posponing not wanting to interupt my studys but it is becoming apparent that these problems have become circular and I need to address them soon before they create more secondary problems and just deal with the overlap with school.

To compound the physical limitations I am also on medication that has a surpressive affect on my resporitory system and energy. I am tired all the time and have difficulty breathing but the alternitive is I am in extreme pain, very moody and irritable. So I try to work with the constant fatigue.

I am greatful my life is where it is today and I function as well as I do. Being able to get up to answer the door in a reasonable amount of time may not seem like all that much of an accomplishment but for me it is the culmination many very good peoples work and Gods will I am very grateful evryday.

Ring Ring...

How good are you in Sharepoint? Want to train David's people in Sharepoint?...I havent used it since last Aug 6 months ago Sure I just need a refresher day seminar and I will make manuals and do it we should do your people too all at the same time...I am coming home for lunch want to stay in or go out and I need a copy of the property tax bill and home owners insurance for 268...I can pull them up online and print them , what do you want to do?...go out....ok I will get gress see you soon Love you...Love you bye

1014am
time to print that stuff and get dressed lunch is around 11am

Happy hump day

My Favorite Beach Revisited

2010-01-19T21:04:00.000-08:00

I went to East beach in Galveston at Lunch today between classes. It was the first day of classes and before I am busy with school I went see how rebuilding was going at East Beach. In the 13 years I have been in Texas I have spent a lot of time and had a lot of interesting experiences on that beach. Actually as much of the Galveston to Surfside coastline that is accessible. The most interesting aspect of East Beach was the Pavilion that had local bands play every weekend. No charge to sit on the deck and listen or dance. You could drive on the beach; during peak hours and season there was a modest fee the rest of the time it was free. I loved that beach the best I used to sit in the life guard towers and watch the ships pass through the ship channel or at night watch the waves in the moonlight. One night a friend insisted going out there for a pagan ritual she had to do in the full or new moon on a certain day at midnight...naked. her not me. I don't swim naked in the ocean. too many creepy crawly swimmy creatures for me. But I went just so she wasn't alone. There is so much to remember so many really great wonderful things that happen there...I miss it.

SFA and Nacadoches

2010-01-07T12:19:00.000-08:00

I am back from the chilly and windy north and it is a chilly and windy Texas. Oh well time to get on with the new year and put all past issues in the past or at least try. I am not transfering to SFA even though it is a kick a.s art school and many of my friends who I look up to have gone there. I like story telling better. I have been an artist my whole life and honestly I really like the challenge of a good detective story than bearing my soul for the world to tear to shreds in a critique that will never end as long as the work exists better. OK call me a woos but I can only handle so much personal pain. It is much easier to do history explore history especially when it is not your own. That being determined and sorted out in my mind I have also come to terms with the corruption of ethics I see at this school it is and never will be anywhere on the scale of what it was amd may still be in Hot Springs Arkansas. Which is a great place to visit but much like Galveston and Chicago has a colorful and rich pardon the pun history. So my tame little tamtrums about the unfair injustices of this microcosm of the bigger world are just that little and unimportant in the BIG picture of life and the master plan of my life. I must remind myself and always keep in the forefront of my mind what my fundamental goals are in seeking higher education. KNOWLEDGE and CREDENTIALS in that order. if I am wasting all my energy and time in trivial issues involving petty and trivial people or events I will never be able to complete my education here and move forward to the next stage of my life. So with renewed focus and revived energy I am back. Literally and figuiretively I guess maybe mentally too. Marketing plan and proposal for Dr C. and Oral history with Dr P.

geneology

2009-12-19T16:59:00.000-08:00

ok I have re registered but I am seriously considering withdrawing again...I received an email Holiday card from school and again I had to see my elephant walk photos from last year in the card with my face strategically edit ted/cropped out of the images. The first time it hurt but this time it hurt even more because this time the photos were selected and used as examples of SeaAggies after Ike as a representation of our undying spirit and the wonderful piece of marketing goodwill was then emailed to everyone that can receive email at TAMUG. Just absolutely great.

If I wasn't feeling excluded I am now so for solice I asked my husband whats up with that and he said that his picture was always being cropped out of the yearbook and school photos. I felt like a real bum then.

It doesn't occur to me that these things happen. I never did that when I was in high school on the yearbook staff and school newspaper or at work when I did the recognition or event newsletters. Who does that? Why do that?

This is not a commercial-selling a product this is life, a record a documentation of history in the making. Then I got IT history is not accurate it is whatever the person or persons doing the recording or documentation decide is needed or is noteworthy or important. Which may be influenced by personal taste or bias or even politics but one can be sure it will not be pure. So I have be filtered out. Thanks for the Christmas love.

Then I am reading on facebook and I discover that my marketing teacher shares the same last name as a couple women on the unnamed marketing project ex-partners facebook pages who he "awarded" the winning position to.

(no wonder he blocked me on facebook at the beginning of the semester.) said it was because he didn't believe in having students in his classes as friends until after the semester. possibly it is because there is a conflict of interest here or he is related by marriage.

maybe just maybe thats why they didn't feel they need to do any work and why a certain someone was so smug or "confident" bragging that he was going to win to the class and then did hmmmm again politics 101 I will never be in the mainstream I am too much of a Robert Conrad kind of girl. I have been filtered out again.

Oh well us out liners are noticed the most on a real test and though we may be random and at times unstable and therefore unpredictable we are durable and at sometimes stronger. Made so be the toughening necessary to survive. I have survived in spite of of being outside observing wanting very much to be similar, familiar just like all the rest.

Something in me just never quite makes the transformation and I am me. I can only be me. If I am someone to be cut out of pictures, excluded from events and not winning because I am not somehow indirectly connected then that's Ok. I may not appreciate what I see as unfair and unjust but it is real life and just as I am random I live in a world of chaos and order and random harmony. All of us survive the way we need.

Nacadoches is looking better everyday at least I wont be trapped on an island where everyone is related to everyone else in one way or another.

pessimism, fear & cowardice

2009-12-15T10:29:00.000-08:00

pessimistic, fearful and cowardly I am all of these at some time or another. funny how silly grow ups can be, I am a grown up yet I do not consider myself to be. My husband has the happiness and burden of having most of his family alive and for the most part healthy. I do not...I have 3 of my 4 half brothers, 1 biological incubator lost in a world of her own self pity somewhere, and 2 very wonderful sons and a beautiful perfect all 10 fingers and toes grandson.

That's what a lot of women worry about when they are pregnant if the baby is healthy, will it be Ok, does it have all its toes and fingers will I be a good mother. Some fathers maybe wonder these things too. It doesn't stop when you stop having your own kids you still worry when your kids have kids and so on....At least I do.

It is probably a pretty good indicator of my nature. I tend to have high expectations and expect the worst. I have been missing my family a lot my husband he doesn't miss his family it seems.

I called my father in law to ask his advise about areas to purchase some property after listening to him explain why my husband would not find employment, could not tolerate the weather, we would not find livable affordable housing and do not encourage him to make any changes. I realised he didn't want us to move to the area. period. It didn't matter to him that my husbands doctors reccommended a different job and to be closer to our family for more support for his health or that we felt we needed more support from our family. It didn't matter to him that we could find jobs and housing that we would find suitable or that we had two homes to sell and make a profit on. All he could visualize was what he had imagined in his mind and not the reality.

I then understood why my husband didn't miss his dad very often or like talking to him his dad doesn't pay attention he just lectures. I wondered If I did that to my sons. I also decided I would not call my husbands father for advise again because it was not unbiased or untainted.

When we told my husbands mothers side of the family they were very supportive and helped in ever way they could to facilitate our moving and make us feel welcome back into the area.

I am glad I do not have memories of my family like these that are being made of my husbands paternal family.

zombie land

2009-12-11T10:25:00.000-08:00

Hello world
I have been having a chemically altered week. I started a new prescription for my adhd this week that is not an amphetamine and I have been very tired or suffering severe solomence as the side effect is labeled

now into week 2 I am starting to feel better and can do more than stare at my computer screen and actually participated in some personal hygiene yesterday after 3 days of funk and little or no eating my husband was so happy he took me out to eat because of course in my zombie state I was cooking or cleaning or basically breathing.

Funny thing when they put a person on these meds they advise they family of the side affects and suggest they watch the "patient" for any adverse reactions in my case as I have had adhd and depression and ptsd and ocd and bipolar disorder and some other labels my whole life managed with prescribed medications or when I was in my 20's "self managed" it is a matter of breathing and staying awake.

Some doctors think with my past history a calming peaceful sleep is a good thing a just reward for a difficult and painful existence not of my own making, others have advocated a controlled environment and then there are those that have tried to support the Terri plan...controlling what I allow myself to be exposed to, learning better coping skills and taking medicine to help.

I am not sure that it is working I feel depressed and like I am constantly letting people down. I have difficulty with certain interpersonal dynamics and what I perceive as unjust practices in people and institutions that I hold in high esteem. When confronted with these realities I withdraw into the security of what I understand and can comprehend. I can only explain the feeling as a deep sense of betrayal that cannot be righted.

If you are of a delicate nature stop reading now.

But the really hard part is that I know my thinking in this regard is faulted but the reaction is autonomic and on a thinking level I can break it down and completely get what ever it was that triggered my shutdown but all the same I am in that haze the fog has enveloped me and the terror and the fear and lack of trust and the paranoia and the numbness and the visual problems all of the physical manifestations have already taken hold of my being and then the self loathing starts and the sense of worthlessness and the nausea and the headaches and then the desire to hurt myself which takes all my energy and willpower not to do so I am even more exhausted.

Then there is the medicine to make it better and the bad thoughts and headaches stop and I am calm I am empty.

I have returned from the calm and I am doing better.

Hypocrites Club President

2009-12-01T21:20:00.001-08:00

I have been nominated for president in the hypocrites club today. My marketing teacher told me in a professional but clearly irritated manner I was a hypocrite. OUCH that hurt but it is somewhat of a self-inflicted injury. He said I held others up to a higher standard than I hold myself. Maybe I do. So even though I can't stop crying I am considering the image I have been presenting the world. Because my Maritime studies teacher kind of said the same thing when he asked to stop coming to classes and do a special project. Because some students had complained and said I made them uncomfortable by being confrontational and challenging his authority. I thought I was being an adult student asking questions...go figure

Main Entry: hyp·o·crite
Pronunciation: \ˈhi-pə-ˌkrit\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English ypocrite, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin hypocrita, from Greek hypokritēs actor, hypocrite, from hypokrinesthai
Date: 13th century
1 : a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion
2 : a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings
— hypocrite adjective

I looked up the definition,,now I know I am not a hypocrite...I am a parent and it doesn't stop at the door when I go to class and I instantly become a 20 year old student I am a 46 year old student in a room full of people younger than my sons and at times I am critical not intentionally its instinctive I want to push them to do well just as I push my own sons to do better.

I can be confrontational maybe thats my most self-defeating personality trait.
I am overwhelmed with school, juggling my personal life and career. This causes me to get sick which only decreases my time for finishing things which then reinforces the feeling of being overwhelmed.

I feel like the ugly duckling in that kids story except I am not going to blossom into a beautiful swan.

I dropped all my spring classes what's the point

The paper that refused to be finished

2009-11-30T07:59:00.000-08:00

I spent the end of last week not celebrating Thanksgiving. My family is in another state. My husband's family is in the same state. For months now we have been arranging to set up dual residences in Tx and IL. After a domino effect of disillusionment and disappointment we have decided to buy land in IL. We have narrowed it down to 3 lots.

People have so much but continue to desire or work for something else. The lacking in now is is created by the pursuit of tomorrow. There is something to be said for living in this moment...smell the flowers...see the sky...feel the air....hear the birds.

Investing in stocks, mutual funds or real estate is all the same to me just diversifying and moving the money around. At least with real estate you can benefit from its tangible properties.

I spent the weekend honoring my husband's birthday. I didn't bake a cake, I didn't buy him a gift I did buy a card but forgot to give it to him. Instead we did something he really enjoys, we went to the Texas RenFest. I have been there 2x before and swore never to go back. Yet here I am in full costume corsets complete enduring. This time I enjoyed it ...mostly. Some people are observers of life. I am a participant in life...more than I sometimes want to be.

Whats the point of this blog...I am a senior with less than 6 classes to graduate. I will not graduate for a long time yet because I have mismanaged my time. I know this yet I am unable to control being distracted even now I am distracted. Self loathing is a terrible personality flaw it colors your every decision and action. I really hate that I cannot control my schedule and attention. I am 46 years old I should be able to control my behavior but even with medicinal help I cannot.

"No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man" the Who.

Health Clubs R not for Bums

2009-11-23T17:54:00.000-08:00

yes I did it bought another lifetime membership to a healthclub why you ask you already have one purchased in 1985 praytell why need another this is the deal Bally's in Texas is rundown and lets bums in the pool...there you have it....so I have become a turncoat after almost 25 years and joined 24hour Fitness the clubs in this area are very new and very nice....no bums in the pools or anywhere in the club.

I hope I am not being a snob there really are people who look like they are street bums at Bally's who come in to use the pool, hot tub, shower and locker room, they do not have swim suits or workout clothes and I will not rant here about the other very obvious details that cannot be missed that indicate a certain lifestyle or lack there of when you see them. I do not want to share fluids with them I do not even want to share air.

I stopped going to Bally's I was germified away. Finially my friend convinced to go to her club and my fat as- needs it bad so I went today and I did it and I am glad. just a little jumpy from spending all that money maybe that is fatigued muscles. Buy hey health is a life style not a hobby.

Sunday Nite Write

2009-11-22T19:12:00.000-08:00

I am seeing double. I have been working all day doing three different projects. for those who wish to publish a book see the slide show blog post done earlier today. Good stuff if you are looking to write and sell. Not for me. In all of these projects I do there is a common thread life is changing as I know and so fast that I can see it happening daily.

In some cases I embrace the new technology in others I miss the familiar comfort of the tried and true. Some things I do not want to change calculators yes but not ready for genetically engineered food. wild catch vs farm raised hmmm well there are pros and cons.

the water is full of toxic chemicals but then so is our air and we are not even the culprits who did the dirty deed. But we are the benefactors. I have become so neurotic that I made a fabric ear loop face mask to fly with and decided that it would hold too many germs and bought a box of sterile disposable ones that do not need to be washed between uses.

I recently was so sick for two weeks that I was given three antibiotics with no explanation of how I became so infected except that "I" was highly contagious and under house arrest in quarantine...much to my husbands amusement I am sure as I am always very busy and running.

So today I write and research and wonder again at how fast life is changing and how in my short existence I have seen products and industries become obsolete and with those new and improved changes I have watched my peers, friends and family roll with the changes or be rolled by them. I am not sure where I am maybe somewhere in the middle. fair to midland or something along those lines.

State of the US Book Buying Consumer BEA 2009

2009-11-22T18:13:00.001-08:00

Check out this SlideShare Presentation:

State of the US Book Buying Consumer BEA 2009

View more presentations from Bowker PubTrack Consumer.

If only I had a Brain...

2009-11-15T17:34:00.000-08:00

I wish there was a wizard of OZ that could zap my meandering mind into focus. Clear out the fog and keep me on the road and out of the ditches of life. It is Sunday night I have a 25 page paper due on Tuesday by 3pm and my computer died but the trusty laptop has stepped in to save me. Go Sony Go Sony Boo HP boo HP but after reinstalling all the software and stuff I am tired and I have to rewrite what I had done because it was save to the hard drive that died. luckily I have hand written notes arghhh in pencil that outline my stuff but being sick and tired literally and Glen being sick and tired literally I just want to crawl under the house cover myself in mud and cash in my chips. Since Hari Kari is not a guaranteed success I guess I will have to settle for academic suicide if I can't redirect my attention and what little energy I have left to rewriting my paper and finishing it. On that thought I will say good night.

Island life

2009-11-14T13:05:00.000-08:00

No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

Poem by John Donne

That bell is clanging away for me today because I am back to being a group of one. Who said I dont work well with others---> maybe me? whatever the discourse I am afloat alone again which is where I should have stayed in the first place anytime I risk depending on others its is always a HUGE mistake. Either my expectations are to high, or I do not recognize their expectations or maybe simply I just don't get IT what ever IT may be. Just another notch in the belt of lessons learned.

So here I sit on a beautiful Sat in Nov in Texas sick sick sick not allowed to go out because I am "highly" contagious working on my marketing project feeling a little happy that I have something to do but a little exhausted because I am so tired and just want to sleep and keeping my eyes open is hard at times. I need a nap.

Blue Monday

2009-11-09T17:44:00.000-08:00

Howdy whelps looking for excitement in all the wrong ways and places.
GROUP projects eh' they BITE well not really...the project cant bite just the people,

mostly people who do not do anything or check emails and then show up hung over and full of sugar coated caffiene and try and B---S---through a group meeting.

HELLO!?! did anyone ever explain the concept of preparation to you ---> yeah u lug nut not the nice one who does home work u---->

another week bites the dust & 1/3 of my grade with it.

EXCUSES it's just a 7 letter word, 2 E's. 2 S's 1-X,C,U.

He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else (Benjamin Franklin)

bite was not the original word chosen but after reflection and consideration for more delicate and youthful eyes and the pious disposition of some readers made the blog G rated.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

2009-11-08T14:56:00.000-08:00

Is it the first day of the week, last day or the second. who knows who really cares...its all relative right? I am afloat lost at sea as always inside my head swirling between the noise and the constant urge to do something anything anything to just move.

I feel like a wire or electric cable disconnected from the insulator and transformers that regulate the flow of energy. thrashing frenetically unable to stop unleashing waves of crackling electricity necessary to my existence but all to many times counterproductive and deadly to my self control.

When I look for those knots safely tied in my tightrope of life, constructed during moments of peace and calm during this storm it is with great sadness and despair I find that some have unraveled and become undone.

I curse myself and the lost knot for its fickle slippery ways and then starts the doubting of myself and I wonder if ever I made a secure tie or if I truly had only made a slip knot. Or maybe I had only thought to do it and in my rush and hurry doing this and that I forgot and it was never done but I had intended to and surely I did, I know I did it was on my list.

But somehow I betrayed the task and the deed was left undone and in my time of greatest need the task has betrayed me and I am undone to fall from the rope without stops to save me.

The knot is a metaphor for friendship

Island Polarity

2009-11-06T09:49:00.000-08:00

I am working on two projects this semester at TAMUG one is in lieu of class for Dr. Pearl; the oral history of a Galveston Shrimping boat the Santa Maria donated to the Galveston Historical Foundation and the other is the marketing project for my marketing class on Dr. Curley's new book on the retired TAMUG Corp of Cadet's training vessel the Texas Clipper recently reefed. Though both projects are about floating things - one being a fishing(shrimping) boat and the other a SHIP not to be labeled boat by Maritime major.

Both are geographically significant to Galveston and its history and culture but in polar extremes it is with caution that I would dare place them in the same group. In approaching these vastly different seafaring projects I am as always awed by the diversity that this small island holds on its shores. The enormity of its past history and the expectant charge heavy in the air of future history. Ok maybe that is the humidity but it is different on the island(s)(The school is located on Pelican island next to Galveston Island.)

Sometimes I call this place a vortex of negative energy other times a wellspring of hope eternal. Today I call it my playground. I might skin my knee and get sand in my eyes but I might swing high and slide faster than I ever have before.

how human is human

2009-10-29T11:26:00.000-07:00

I posted a rather disturbing news story on my FB page for 2 days expecting to get a flood of sympathetic outcries in response to the event that happened last week in CA at a homecoming. NOTHING not a single anything. Where were the statements of support or objections. Nothing. Interesting when I posted a rant at my deceased ex-husbands family (he died of an overdose while we were married) stating that I hoped (G_D) kept spitting on them....some of my friends chastised me for me for my anger and sympathised but in no uncertain terms explained in case I didn't know spitting is not something that you know who would do.

So as I am reflecting today on how very human I feel because I am sick and very humanly looking for someone to blame (DFP) but knowing there is really no one to blame. I was thinking about that poor girl in CA and no matter how sick I feel I am doing better than she is today.

And then further I thought how in-humane what happened to her was and then corrected myself because animals don't do what happened to her to each other and truthfully it was a very human behavior I just instinctively wanted to disassociate from it. Then my mind found some other inhuman-human acts that I had forgotten from when I was in HS and I could not separate my life so easily from those in CA.

Reading Class Blogs

2009-10-29T06:43:00.001-07:00

This week Catherine showed me where all the blog addresses were. Thank you Miss Cat. I took the time this morning to look at each and every one from my class and at least read the last blog posted some thoughts came to mind.

1.) we have some very articulate writers in this class
2.) this is a lot of reading for Dr. Pearl to do
3.) some people are not doing the assignment
4.) am I even still in this class?
5.) white or red text on a black background is very hard to read
6.) some people have really cool well made blogspots
7.) pictures are very cool I wish I knew how to post more
8.) I wonder if everyone knew where these addresses were and only I didn't know?
9.) If this is published in a book I hope I have fair warning to delete some of mine

Pecatonica Illinois-The Empty Nest

2009-10-29T06:18:00.000-07:00

I leave this evening foe Pecatonica, Illinois where my husband has a farm house. I will be there a week. This month I have been away from Texas more than I have been here. I miss my family, my sons and grandson - my husband misses his family. We are disconnected or some would say displaced. We do not feel at home anywhere right kind of lost. In our quest for education and income we left the family nest.

I have in my 46 years of experience come to realise that being geographically close to one's family becomes more and more necessary as we get older. We need support mentally and physically in crisis situations. Hurricanes, illnesses and the end all death. Maybe that's why we have these connections of bloodlines or for some social families. Because humans are social creatures dependent (no matter how much we bristle at the concept in out ultra independent society) upon each other.

Yes we need help now and again and we give help occasionally too. It is intrinsic in our nature.

Most of my family has passed and I have the children that I bore and the children they bring into this world to love and nurture. My future scares me I feel isolated from my past and do not want to intrude on my childrens time to build a family. My husband never had children he is very career focused. He doesn't miss what he has never had. Is this empty nester syndrome? His 2 grandmothers are 93 and they are always talking about how everyone is gone and how few are left. I do not want that to be me someday...old and alone. Orgeon here I come.

Back from Vegas

2009-10-23T22:09:00.000-07:00

I survived Las Vegas and came back with no regrets breaking even for the most part. I have spent this week determining my marketing project---> Dr Curley's new upcoming book on the recently reefed Texas Clipper. I have also started the process of organizing and getting permissions to do the oral history od the Shrimp Boat the Santa Maria which is at the Galveston Historical Foundation, http://www.galvestonhistory.org. A special project Dr. Pearl has asked my to help with secretly I think he is keeping me away from his MAST289 class. I am not that arbitrary. I went to the Calico Early Man Site in CA http://www.calicodig.org while I was in CA last week and took some pictures very interesting place. I spent the day with Tom Ortling's Elissa class and video taped some knot tying and going "aloft" and if I can figuire out how to upload the movie to this site I will post it here NOW!

Aggieland Culture

2009-10-04T17:00:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend in Arlington Tx at the first inaugural Southwest conference between Texas A&M University and the University of Arkansas. I have planned for and prepared for this weekend for almost 2 months prior, I have spent in excess of $1000 for the tickets, events, hotel, transportation and other assorted party and appropriate fan apparel and stuff. With great anticipation and pumped up with a sense of school pride and the excitement of fall football and youth my husband and I drove to Arlington on a highway full of "Aggies" and I am sure some "SeaAggies". We felt a sense of belonging the comfort of being included in our car on the road with so many going to the same place for the same reason.

We went to the Aggie Hullabaloo night before event and that's when our or may I should say my sense of belonging stopped. They had a band Roger Creagor whose family he proudly boasted had been Texas A&M graduates for several generations and a one time his parents had kids in school consecutively for 20 years...OK that's a lot of kids #1 and just plain creepy to me #2 and he is bragging about it #3 on stage and I am thinking uh social responsibility and population zero and birth control HELLO. Not to mention he was playing country did I say it yes country music and I actually paid for this. When he took a break and his backup band play some really great music,a silver lining in every cloud.

Of course about this time of the night I am thinking its Texas and my bias's about the south are kicking in. I also realise this is my school and I am a student here therefore I am an Aggie...but some where I didn't read the social rule book or followed the wrong yellow brick road because this certainly didn't feel like home.

It starts to rain reflecting my feelings and we decide to give up waiting for the "MIDNIGHT YELL" which I have heard of and never attended and thought would be cool to do at least once before I graduate but I am tired and Glen is tired and we just want to go back to the hotel and sleep. Guess at 46 we have lost the vigor and vim it takes to make it to midnight and beyond...it was a beautiful full moon.

Next day game day and there is a parade which we want to see but cannot seem to find it before its over...again theres that feeling of not knowing and not belonging.

We drive to the Dallas Cowboys Stadium to park and tailgate for awhile till 4pm which is when they open the doors to let people in. We have our fold up Aggie chairs and blankets and pillows and we are ready to hang out, eat and drink and over all be happy fans supporting our team and our school. Well neither Glen or myself have ever tailgated before it involves more than just showing up, popping the tailgate of one's vehicle and pulling out a chair and saying "Howdy" to the person next to you. It is a complex societal network of tribes many, many separate camps of people who are divided by their schools of loyalty and by the organization to which they may belong and further by the subgroup or social ranking they have. Yes it is a jungle of drunken, posturing, flirting excess of life. Clearly we were not prepared or even feel included here.

Two happily married minimal alcohol drinking pretty much quiet people who ran for the first restaurant they could find in the pouring rain. Lest we be skewered and barBq'd. OK two old fogey's.

The game started and aside from the usual football stuff I was struck by some things that I did not know about my school. We do not have cheerleaders...We have YELL LEADERS..guys in white outfits that look like orderlies running around on the sidelines doing stuff simultaneously. We do not have any mascots in costumes...we have a beautiful albeit old collie, a real live dog laying down on the side of the field and lastly we have mounties or people dressed up similarly who stood down there on the sidelines for awhile not even till halftime. Where we are the same is we have got an outstanding precision marching band.

Asking my husband about 100 times where are the cheerleaders and the eye candy for those of us that have no interest in football...he explained patiently that they were not coming now or at halftime as I kept hoping for. Texas A&M did not appear to have any cheerleaders and that football was a social experience not entertainment.

He's right. I realized then that I could not have the "university" football experience in one game in a last attempt before I graduate no matter how much I wanted it or how much effort and money I could not have that experience because it was the culmination of shared understanding, knowledge of the reasons for the yell leaders instead of cheerleaders, why we have a real live dog and not costumed mascots that we are a military academy with the Corps of Cadet not your usual university and the stricter social rules and dress codes and disciplines that our school adhere to are what makes it Texas A&M. I do not have the understanding of the songs and the yells and of all of the traditions because I haven't been a part of that culture.

The university experience is a process of enculturation and with out that a person will not have the same values or recognize and hold dear the symbols or be able to demonstrate the same patterns of behavior for that culture. Just having a school ID and degree does not make someone an "Aggie" just a Texas A&M graduate.

CAVE WALLS

2009-09-30T05:23:00.000-07:00

Owning culture is the question to be answered in today's blog. First I feel we have to identify what culture is...our text book defines it as the shared, socially learned knowledge and patterns of behavior of a group of people.

In this context then I feel everyone owns culture and as such has the individual opportunity to assimilate with culture, digest it and then regurgitate it out again in what ever way they do.

But please note the key word individual I do not feel that anyone has the right to force their viewpoint of culture upon another. But once an individual has made a public cultural statement it cannot prevent itself from being a part of the current days culture.

All people, things, places and even history at times change and no matter how much we as a people try to stop that natural function of existence it is not controllable. Any belief that is can be controlled completely will only lead to discourse which will then become a part of the culture as well. If this was not true then drawings would only be made on cave walls created with dirt and animal blood and blown on.

When I was in school at the Art Institute of Chicago there were two very controversial exhibits in the student gallery that caused political fervor. I do not want to go into great detail but one was a painting of a now deceased mayor of Chicago in in a women's bra and panties. This mayor was the city's first African American mayor. The painting was done before he died, he died suddenly and unexpectedly and this was in the student gallery and over night...big controversy. There is more to this story which is not appropriate to say here and the mayor has passed.

This is culture, local government is culture and the mix of the two for good or bad is now history. Here is Dread Scott's current website he is still doing the same interesting work. http://www.dreadscott.net

Midterm Wed

2009-09-27T20:42:00.000-07:00

Ok missing class is not good.
then checking the syllabus and that I have a midterm in in basically 3 days SUCKS!

Am I so disconnected from my scholastic life that I have two tests this week and really do not know how I am going to find the time to study. I am failing my internet classes another $1000 in tuition and books wasted this the second semester. Honestly do not wait till you are in your 40's to finish school life is much more demanding and complicated.

School is a surreal fantasy world that I escape to and then my reality comes back in full force...all the responsibilities and duties and obligations and meetings and decisions and work and repairs and doctors and contractors and childcare and lawyers and court and cooking and cleaning and laundry and realtor's and accountants and insurance agents and adjusters and inspectors and doctors and hospitals and shopping and work and paying the bills and cleaning the car and feeding the pets and packing and movers and it never ends. I am tired.

Back against the wall

2009-09-21T17:39:00.000-07:00

Today is Monday and I was in MAST289 class and noticed that everyone was sitting on one side of the room and only I was sitting on the other side. To clarify for those who are not in the class there are long rows of tables with seats on either side similar to picnic tables except these are really nice with computer ports and electrical outlets on them for your laptops.

While I was sitting there feeling OLD and isolated; smelling my armpits and checking my breath - in general very self conscience. I wondered if I sat at the other row of tables the next class would everyone sit at the opposite table? Was it me; my appearance, my age; or just my usual discomfort with my chaotic life radiating making everyone also feel uncomfortable.

Later after class I mentioned this division of the masses to my professor Dr. Pearl, he was kind enough to remind me that he had asked the class to sit on one side of the room the previous class and I even moved when he asked to the front of the room but stayed on the same side I was on. Not the side he had asked us to move to. I explained I didn't hear "sit at this table" but thought he had said "move closer" I now realise I just saw everyone move and followed along based on what I thought he had said because I had not heard clearly. I also did not understand it was to be for all upcoming classes.

I was not being put in a position to explain or defend myself. I was not being accused. He was simply trying to ease my insecurities, but it is curious to make note that he said one thing - I thought I heard something different. Dr. Pearl specifically indicated his request and by looking at where everyone was sitting in class today it is obvious I am going deaf.

But seriously it is a good example of what we have been discussing in class...environment affecting behavior...culture...worldview...norms...adaptation and our reactions based on our point of view.

I sit where I sit because of how I was raised, keep your back against the wall. I have impaired hearing in my right ear. My interpretation of situations are all filtered through my perspective which is the cumulative result of my belief system, physical abilities, mental capacity and life experiences to date.

What I thought in class was completely not true, where people were sitting had nothing to do with me. (Some would say I am narcissistic, I say paranoid) I was sitting where I was sitting because I did not hear what was instructed nor did I know I did not hear the instruction correctly, not because I was not following instruction intentionally.

But, I was not following instruction. In real life ignorance is no excuse.

So the question that begs is this...how many wars have started and people have died for something like what happened with me today?

self dicipline 101

2009-09-11T05:40:00.000-07:00

I have only been in school at A&M a little less than a decade and I am sure they have class every Labor Day every year and I because I have worked most of my like at companies that honor National holidays even though my husband said Purdue and all the big name universities he went to had class on Labor Day I wanted to be at home and didn't check. So I missed a quiz and didn't turn in a paper. Yeah great way to start the semester. I would not accept this from my son's. There is no excuse I would say...failure is not an option unless you are dead...Talk about a double standard. Reality check in business there is no second chance and more than anyone I know that. Welcome to self discipline 101.

Bad Lands

2009-09-10T07:23:00.000-07:00

Howdy,
This blog has been created to introduce me to you and to hopefully offer an opportunity for interaction between us. So in the spirit of following instructions let me try to give you some understanding of who I am. First of all I am what has been commonly labeled a non-traditional student. Someone who is over the age of about 30 years old, has not been in school for many years due to the fact they had to interrupt or never started their collegiate education after high school. Usually this is because they had to start working immediately as a result of responsibilities to an existing family or an impending family. For a more comprehensive definition Wikipedia has it covered. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-traditional_student

While in junior college was blessed with my first son and was lucky enough to get a job working for Big Brother AT&T to pay the bills. I tried to work, care for my son and go to school part time. It didn't work. So long story short. My sons are grown now and I have one grandson who is almost five and I have been back in school the last few years, It is a lot different than it was when I was in my twenties.

But I am here because I want to be more than the wind under someones elses wings, more than a support person to someone elses research projects. I want to create something bigger than me that will last eternity. I used to believe that I could achieve this through my art and I have but now as I have grown older I feel that my selfishness has not made the social change or benefit I wish to contribute.

I am just dust and I want to be the Bad Lands.